Emotion regulation is a core part of how people cope with stress, respond in relationships, and make decisions. For many clients, this capacity has been shaped—and often disrupted—by adverse childhood experiences. As professionals, understanding these emotional processes helps us respond with compassion and effectiveness.

What Is Emotion Regulation?

Emotion regulation is the ability to:

• Manage strong emotions like anger, sadness, and fear
• Pause before reacting, stay calm, and think clearly
• Effectively respond to stress without becoming overwhelmed

💡This ability does not come out of nowhere. It is shaped in our early years, through repeated interactions with caregivers who help us feel safe, soothe us when we are upset, and teach us how to make sense of our feelings.

Why This Matters in Our Work:

Many people we support have grown up without consistent emotional support or safety. This means:

• They may struggle to regulate emotions in the present
• Their behaviours—though challenging—are often ways of coping
• Emotional outbursts or withdrawal are often linked to unmet needs, not defiance

⚠️ When we understand what is underneath a behaviour, we can respond with less judgment and more compassion—and build trust over time.

How Does Attachment Shape Emotion Regulation?

Attachment shapes how we respond to stress—especially relational stress like experiences of loss, rejection, or uncertainty.

People with secure attachment tend to:

• View challenges as manageable
• Feel confident in asking for help
• Stay calm in conflict and express needs clearly
• Regulate their emotions, e.g. self-soothe

People with insecure attachment may:

• Overreact to small triggers or shut down emotionally
• Find feelings overwhelming and difficult to name
• Avoid seeking help or feel let down by others
• Respond to stress in ways that push others away—even when they want connection

🧠 How Does the Brain Respond Under Pressure?

To understand emotional reactions, it is helpful to consider how the brain processes stress. Cognitive psychology describes two systems that work together to help us navigate the world:

These two systems should work in balance. The logical system helps us make sense of emotions, while the emotional system gives us important information about what matters to us. When both systems are in sync, a person can:

• Name and reflect on feelings
• Talk about what they need
• Regulate their reactions
• Learn from stressful experiences

⚠️ But under high stress—especially when trauma is involved—this balance can break down.

🪟 Introducing the Window of Tolerance

To understand this balance in action, we can use the concept of the Window of Tolerance. This “window” describes the zone where a person feels safe enough to:

• Think and feel at the same time
• Stay connected in relationships
• Be open to learning, planning, and coping

When someone is within their window, they can use both the propositional and implicational systems effectively. They can regulate themselves, reflect on what is happening, and stay in relationship with others.

What Happens Outside the Window?

When a situation feels overwhelming, a person may move outside of their window. At that point, the brain’s systems become unbalanced—making regulation very difficult.

🔥 High Arousal (Fight/Flight)

• Emotional system takes over – intense fear, anger, or panic
• Logical system shuts down – no capacity to reason or plan
• You might see:
  • Shouting, pacing, refusing help, storming out
  • Feeling “out of control” or “on edge”

🧊 Low Arousal (Freeze/Shut Down)

• Person appears numb or withdrawn
• Cannot feel or name emotions
• You might see:
  • Silence, lack of engagement, flat affect
  • Seeming spaced out or unmotivated

What This Means for Your Work:

Understanding the window of tolerance helps us shift our focus from behaviour to regulation.

✅ Do:

• Help people return to their window before trying to reason or plan
• Use grounding, breathing, and sensory supports to regulate arousal
• Be patient—people may not be able to communicate clearly when overwhelmed
• Validate emotional reactions: “It makes sense you’d feel that way after what you’ve been through.”

🚫 Don’t:

• Expect clear communication during crisis
• Take outbursts or shutdowns personally
• Push logic when the brain’s emotional system has taken over

⚠️ Every time you:

• Stay calm in a crisis..
• Offer a safe and non-judgemental presence..
• Validate a feeling..
• Gently help someone reflect…

…you are supporting integration between emotional and logical systems. That is a huge part of healing.

📘Example:

Context:
It is a Monday morning. Sam, a client, arrives at the service clearly agitated—pacing, visibly tense, and slamming their bag on the floor. You have been trying to get in touch as there is a housing form that needs to be urgently completed. You know Sam had a difficult benefits appointment earlier that morning.

Scenario 1: Engaging When Someone is Outside Their Window

🗣️ Support Worker: “Hi Sam, I was hoping to see you today. Can we sit down and go over your housing form? We really need to get it submitted as soon as possible.”

What is happening for Sam?

• Sam is in a state of high arousal (fight/flight mode).
• Their emotional system is dominating; the logical system is offline.
• They are outside their window of tolerance—the zone where thinking, feeling, and communicating can happen at the same time.

🗣️ Sam’s response: “Are you serious right now? I’ve got bigger things to worry about than your forms!”
Sam storms out and slams the door.

💡Reflection:
The support worker’s request made sense logically, but Sam could not process it while dysregulated. When someone is overwhelmed, trying to reason with them can unintentionally escalate the situation.

Scenario 2: Regulate First, Then Engage

🗣️Support Worker: “Sam, it looks like this morning’s been really stressful. You don’t need to do anything right now. Would it help to take a breather—maybe sit down with a tea for a bit?”

What happens differently?

• Sam hears understanding and low pressure.
• Their nervous system starts to settle.
• Within 15–20 minutes, they feel calmer—moving back into their window of tolerance.

Sam’s later response: “Thanks for giving me a minute. We can look at the form in a bit.”

💡Reflection:
By focusing on emotional regulation first, the support worker made space for trust and engagement. Once Sam returned to their window of tolerance, they were able to think more clearly and participate.

✅ Support Tip

• When someone is outside their window of tolerance, their ability to reflect, reason, and plan is compromised.
• Trying to “push through” with forms, conversations, or goals during this time often leads to frustration for both parties.
• Support must begin with regulation—offering calm, safety, and emotional presence.

Helpful guiding question:

“Is the person in front of me regulated enough to think and feel at the same time?”

If the answer is no, pause the task and focus on helping them return to a calmer state. That is where real engagement starts.

🛠️ The following tool from dialectical behaviour therapy offers practical steps for validating emotions — helping to de-escalate distress, foster trust, and support clients in returning to their window of tolerance.

A “How To” Guide to validation

1. Pay Attention
Show you care by being fully present.
Look interested, listen actively, and observe the client’s behaviour and body language. Avoid multitasking during conversations. Make eye contact if appropriate. Nod occasionally, and respond with your facial expressions — smile if they share something positive; look concerned if they speak about something difficult.

Example:
While a client talks about their frustration with the housing system, you stop typing, turn towards them, nod, and say, “That sounds really exhausting.”

2. Reflect Back
Check you understand — without judgement.
Say back what you heard or noticed to make sure you have understood. Use a calm and respectful tone. Do not argue, judge, or try to fix it too quickly. Show curiosity.

Example:
“So you’re feeling really let down because the hostel said your room would be ready today and now it’s delayed again — is that right?”

3. Read between the Lines
Notice what is not being said.
Pay attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, body posture, and changes in behaviour. Use what you know about the person’s story. Reflect what you notice and show you are open to being corrected.

Example:
A client who’s usually talkative becomes withdrawn and quiet. You say, “You seem a bit off today — has something happened, or is it just one of those days?”

Or, if someone winces when you mention a past service:
“I noticed you flinched when I mentioned that drop-in centre. Was that not a good place for you?”

4. Understand
Try to see how their reaction makes sense.
Even if you disagree with their behaviour or beliefs, look for how it makes sense given their history, current situation, or emotional state.

Example:
If a client becomes angry and storms out after a benefits appointment, you might later say:
“It makes sense you were so upset — you’ve been let down by services before, and hearing ‘you’re not eligible’ probably felt like another rejection.”

5. Acknowledge the Valid
Show that their feelings and actions make sense in the situation.
You do not need to agree with everything — just show that what they are feeling is understandable. Help meet needs where appropriate. Acknowledge their efforts.

Example:
When a client gets angry about being moved to a different keyworker, say:
“I get why you’re frustrated. It takes time to build trust — and now you’re being asked to start over again.”
Or:
“You’ve done so well making it to appointments even though you’ve had hardly any sleep. That’s not easy.”

6. Show Equality
Be real, respectful, and human.
Do not treat clients as less capable or overly fragile. Be willing to admit mistakes, share your name, and ask for their views. Be mindful when offering advice — always do so with respect and humility.

Example:
If a client challenges your suggestion, instead of insisting, say:
“That’s fair — maybe I’ve got that wrong. What do you think would work better?”
Or:
“I’ve never been through what you’re facing, but I really want to understand. Let me know if I’ve misunderstood.”